Calgon Take Me Away
One of the more interesting things that happened after my accident was that I began being able to tell the weather with my brain. That sounds way cooler than, “I get horrendous migraines when it’s going to rain or snow.” But essentially, that’s it. The migraine woke me up this morning, and four ibuprofen later, my head is still pounding, an invisible ice-pick is being jabbed through my right eye, and I feel like I’m going to throw up – in other words – it’s manageable, at least for the moment.
Stuck In The Storm
“They” are calling for the first big snowstorm of the season starting sometime tomorrow, and I am already getting cold. The snowblower’s been checked, the gas cans have been filled, and the generator’s ready to go. I went shopping yesterday because I knew it would get too crazy today – the supermarket was already full at 7 am.
Looking Out Or Looking In
Despite my newfound weather forecasting superpower – I have always loved storms. Whether it was puddle-walks or snow days as a kid or sitting inside with thunder roaring, lightning flashing and rain lashing the glass or snow quietly blanketing and transforming the world outside my window – I love the comfort and safety of snuggling up with a blanket and a book on my couch looking out – untouched and safe.
Storms are like that. If you are out in it, it feels wildly different than being insulated and looking out at it. Even weirder is being inside – insulated, but feeling stuck or trapped with no way to extract yourself from the situation.
This year has been a year of storms. Being home is not really so comforting when you feel stuck there. Whether you’re employed or looking for employment, have choices in your pantry, or have no pantry, it all feels like treading water in the middle of an ocean. My kids are “in school,” but I’m not convinced they are getting anything out of it. Everyone seems to have the same ominous feeling I had as a child – waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are desperate for the trial to end, but we don’t know if we’ll like the outcome. This is not the kind of stand up and cheer movie I like.
Digging Out After The Storm
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of a way to support myself and my family on my own terms. A way that can’t be taken away at a moment’s notice by some invisible foe or arbitrary ruling. I want the freedom to thrive on my own terms – but I feel so stuck. I’m just not sure how to start digging out, and the storm isn’t even over yet.
A Leap Of Faith
Perhaps the feeling of being stuck is less about actually being stuck than feeling stuck because I am afraid. I was speaking to my husband during one of our over-the-phone brainstorming sessions today, and he said, “We need to rack up a few failures.” Huh? What? That’s precisely what I don’t want to do. He went on. We have all these ideas – we need to start trying them out and seeing which ones work and which ones don’t so we can move on from there.
Is it possible that I am not stuck? Just stuck in my thinking? In my feeling? Could it be that I have been afraid to move because my trust is in the wrong place? Like a treed cat, I’m busy trying to find the right places to put my feet instead of looking at the outstretched arms ready to help me get to safety.
The bible says,
Isaiah 43:18b-19 (GNTD)
Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there.
Hebrews 12:1b-2a (GNTD)
So then, let us rid ourselves of everything that gets in the way, and of the sin which holds on to us so tightly, and let us run with determination the race that lies before us. Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.
[…] The truth is – I’m afraid. […]